My name is Alicia.
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I am no one special. But I am human. I care. Deeply.
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What I have learned about this particular type of abuse is that it's truly hidden, extremely dangerous, yet beyond the imagination of most people.
Because of this, victims suffer both the abuse with its resulting trauma, and then, on top of that, isolation and further trauma when the very people they turn to for support do not believe them or take them seriously.
Why? Because it is so incomprehensible and insidious.
Whilst researching this subject I have gained invaluable insight into the rarely-spoken-about-world of covert narcissistic abuse, from some of the many brave survivors, who have shared their darkest experiences freely, so that others can learn from them.
What is written on these pages is what all caring humans need to understand about this insidious form of psychological and emotional torture.
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Why this website?
After a dear friend recently managed to escape her covertly
abusive narcissistic partner, I felt utterly compelled to do
something. Firstly, to address the huge gap in public awareness about this important subject, and secondly to prevent the unnecessary and cruel responses of those around her, when she did finally manage to tell people what had been happening.
My friend had had managed to escape her invisible prison of extreme emotional and psychological abuse, and desperate for kindness and support from her friends and family, she opened up her heart and soul to them, only to find that they did not believe her experience.
I cannot even begin to imagine the agony and despair of this situation, which as I see it, is rather like falling or even being pushed from a cliff edge but just managing to grab hold of a branch on the way down. And then, as you are desperately clinging onto that branch, you reach out to a friend for a lifeline, only to have that person turn their back on you, as the branch breaks, leaving you no choice but to fall to a darker and lonelier place.
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It sounds incredible that anyone would react like this to another, doesn't it? And yet, it is the most common reaction of all. Why did this happen to my dear friend? Because those around her were simply unable to believe that the abuser was capable of being the person she was describing - this kind and loving partner, whom she was suddenly terrified of, and traumatised by. Like many of us, her friends and family had no reference point in their own lives from which they were able to understand this form of abuse.
But crucially, the reason humans react in this way, is because covert narcissistic abusers are exactly that - covert.
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People with narcissistic personality disorder are, in fact, professional con artists. Fakers. Illusionists. And it isn't just the victims who are conned.
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I've used the acronym SCAN, which stands for 'surviving covert abuse by narcissists'. Not just because they constantly scan other people as they search for new prey, but also because I believe we all need to be scanning for these predators, throughout our lives. The more people are aware of them and their tactics, the safer we will all be.
As you read through this site, you will begin to understand just how covert narcissistic abusers hunt down their prey, catch them, reel them in, trap them, and finally break down the victims into little crumpled pieces - all for their own narcissistic need.
How they literally destroy souls.
How they carefully groom, not only their victims, but the victim's family and social circles as well, eventually cutting victims off from their support networks in extremely subtle ways. And how they fabricate incredibly believable lies about the victim around a tiny grain of truth, always leaving themselves looking squeaky clean.
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Does this all sound just too incredible to you?
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Do you think you are a good judge of character and that this couldn't happen to you or anyone you know?
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Surely, it's not possible for someone you've known for years to abuse in this way and no one know about it? Maybe the person is a pillar of the community. Surely not that kind and generous person, who values trust and loyalty above all else? It couldn't possibly be that doting parent, or that volunteer who is just so wonderful with the children ... surely they couldn't possibly be so poisonous or evil? People would know, wouldn't they?
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I am sorry to say that you would be very, very wrong.
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Victims are not making it up, imagining it or being drama queens. They have been deeply, and often irrevocably, traumatised. Whether you recognise yourself or someone you know as a victim, know that no one is immune from this type of abuse. And should you ever meet someone who opens up their soul to tell you that this has happened to them, you need to be ready to know what to say and do, or at least what not to say. Otherwise, you will unwillingly isolate them and make their lives darker and more desperate than they already are.
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I had no idea about any of this myself before I learned of my friend's abuse. The depth and insidiousness of it continues to shock and chill me.
I try to understand human nature in all its guises, but this particular psychological deviation has been one of the most challenging for me to learn about, comprehend and accept. And of course, I realise now, that that my dear friend's abuser had conned me just as much as anyone else.
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Although this website is specifically about one type of abuse - covert abuse by people with narcissistic personality disorder - there is much information that can help us all to become more aware of other types of covert abuse. Even, unhealthy narcissistic relationships in general, which are more common than we like to think, existing in families, friendships, at church, and the workplace.
I want to pass on this important information and increase awareness in all of us. At the very least, I hope to help at least one victim feel less alone, and for the people in their life to better understand how they can support, rather than shame and blame.
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The strengths & limitations of this website
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1. Encouraging as many people as possible to accept the existence of, and be more aware of, this hidden and sinister form of abuse as well as its serious implications. Thus improving the likelihood of being able to spot the clues and signs before we, or people we care about, become trapped in an abusive relationship.
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2. Making people aware that victims of covert narcissistic abuse are never the problem, never to blame and should never be victim shamed. Highlighting their need for immediate and unconditional support and acceptance, and giving you some tools to help provide this.
3. Providing details of emergency contacts and further help and information for victims, and signposts to further information for anyone wishing to learn more about this subject.
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A word of caution:
Mind where you go to look for information or support, because not all sites, therapists and support networks are safe. Abusers also frequent certain support groups online - particularly on social sites such as Facebook. And I am sorry to say that narcissists themselves are regular people living their regular lives amongst us all, in all professions - including psychologists, psychiatrists and coaches. If in doubt search for a trusted source via a professional in your area.
If you are in crisis:
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Do not hesitate for one second to contact one of the helplines in your local area.
I have included some emergency helplines in the links section here.
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I am not a therapist and am not qualified in any way to give psychological advice or support. Although the information contained in these pages has been carefully researched, it should never replace professional help and advice.
The information here is also primarily about intimate relationships, but there is still much that can be learned and applied to other relationships such as friends, family or work colleagues. However, narcissistic abuse by a parent is a subject that will need specific expert advice and help, so I am not covering this in any way here.
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This website, which really only brushes the tip of the iceberg, is my small way of helping all victims - past, present and future.
It serves as a basic guide to covert narcissistic abuse, with the emphasis on three main objectives:
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Thank you,
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From the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to read this.
If you are in a position to offer care, kindness and support to a fellow human who is going through this agonising trauma, you will be contributing to rebuilding a valuable life.
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I feel privileged to have the necessary skills to write and produce this site, and it will always be free and available to all. If you find it useful and wish to make a small donation, it will be very gratefully received. You can do so here.
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So please read on and learn and share.
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Remember - knowledge is power and it is this power that I wish to share above all else.
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Be kind to each other.
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Alicia 💜
Why have I chosen the lotus flower for the site icon?
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The lotus flower is an important symbol in many religions and ancient cultures. Apart from being a stunningly beautiful and delicate flower, it grows in the darkest and most difficult places.
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It begins life in the mud at the bottom of a lake or pond, and blooms in the dirtiest of waters. Despite all adversity, its roots firmly anchored in the mud, the lotus grows strong and true, up through the murky water, above the surface and towards the sun.
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It is seen as a symbol of purity, of integrity, of sanity and rebirth. Those of us who fall prey to narcissistic predators are often good, kind and pure-hearted people. The narcissist attempts to destroy our sanity, under the water's surface - covertly and out of sight. Imprisoning our roots in the sticky mud at the bottom of the lake in an attempt to prevent us from flowering and rising above the water's surface.
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But with support and love, just as the lotus flower's petals open gradually, one by one, we can find our true selves again and flower proudly in the sun's glow.
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Some religions see the lotus flower as a symbol for life itself. Covert narcissistic abusers crush that precious life in their hands, burying it still further into the mud. From here, they will stifle it and weaken it to a point where the person is but a shell of their former selves. But with help and guidance the lotus flower can overcome all the abuser's best efforts to destroy our very souls and push past all the abhorrent obstacles they have put in our way.
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As we, like the lotus flower, gradually open up again in the light and warmth of the sun, we have survived the abuse. And in the process, we have gained wisdom, compassion, kindness and knowledge, that will benefit us and the universe as we continue to thrive.