How can I best support a victim?
And not cause them further damage and trauma
In case you missed it, I am going to repeat the 'first aid' advice from the home page here:
IMPORTANT!
If someone tells you they have been a victim of covert narcissistic abuse ...
1. Believe them
2. Support them
3. Learn about it
Do not...
- dismiss their experience
- accuse them of lying
- accuse them of being a drama queen
- treat this as 'just another break-up'
- believe that the abuser could never hide these traits
- trust the abusive partner
- make contact with the abuser, their family or their friends
- try to mediate or pass messages between the two
- make any excuses for any of the abuser's behaviour
Do not say any of the following:
- get over it and move on
- he/she 'isn't really that bad' (They are)
- it takes two to work at a relationship
- there are always two sides to every story
- I'm sure it can't be as bad as you think
- you must have said or done something to aggravate them
- stop being so sensitive
- you are too sensitive
Do not blame the victim!
This is not their fault. Prey cannot always avoid being caught by an experienced predator. Plus, nobody else spotted this narcissist, so all those around the victim were also fooled.
Please do read on to find out why this is so important.
Your friend, colleague or loved one is currently the most vulnerable they may ever be in their entire lives. They have experienced a deep and painful trauma that you may not yet understand. It is imperative that you do not damage them further by insensitive or harmful comments.
Why don't the victims just leave?
And why do they often go back?
Both very natural questions which may seem to have obvious answers. But human psychology is a delicate thing. You can't go through all that damage, and still come out the other side ready to jump back into life and make rational decisions again - as if nothing happened.
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The victim who comes out of the other end of the tunnel of abuse is not the same person who went in. The abuser has systematically and thoroughly broken them down, stripping them of all sense of self. They have been emotionally turned inside out and upside down. They do not know who they are any more. Strange as it may seem, the abuser can also become the only thing left that the victim can relate to, or the only person who they feel worthy of. Or perhaps, the familiarity of that abuse is all they have right now.
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There are many, very valid reasons that victims return to their abusers, or equally, do not leave them in the first place. Here are just a few:
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1. Abuse = power + control. The victim stays because the abuser has used manipulation, coercion, and a carefully constructed campaign designed to break their victim down, in order to exert power and control over them. The abuser controls their victim. The abuser has complete power over their victim. These are the laws of abuse.
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2. Fear. The victim has much to fear, having been trapped in this situation and separated from their friends and family. The abuser's power and control will probably have infiltrated important and critical aspects of the victim's life.
They may fear for their own lives, their children, pets, family members, friends or colleagues. All of whom may have been used as pawns in this cruel game. They may also fear financial repercussions. They may have been threatened.
The abuser may well know deeply personal secrets that the victim will have shared with them alone and will hold the threat of disclosing these at any time. And in a similar vein, there is the very effective smear campaign, which could be unleashed at any point by the abuser. This alone can be serious enough to destroy lives, families and careers.
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3. A victim's misguided feeling of being at fault. Expertly instilled during the course of the abuse.
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4. Embarrassment and shame.
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5. Low self-esteem. This was probably one of the things that the abuser targeted in the early stages of the relationship and would certainly have been created as part of the abuse itself. They may also tolerate the 'bad abuse' so that they can still enjoy the 'good bits'. This is actually extremely common.
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6. Love. Yes, love. Humans are complicated creatures. Our psychology is not something that is easily understood or explained. It is also likely that the 'good side' of the abuser will have made the occasional appearance in order to maintain the emotional link and dependency that they have created in their victim. The victim will be desperately clinging on to these faint threads of hope or love.
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7. Need for familiarity. All humans, in times of great distress, crave familiarity. No matter how dangerous that familiarity may be. A victim will have little else left to cling onto.
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8. Cultural or religious reasons. These can be extremely influential.
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9. Financial reasons. Shared ownership of property. Children or pets.
10. Familiarity. A case of 'better the devil you know'. Some victims simply find it so much easier to stay with the abuser than to try to leave and start all over again.
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11. Disability. Knowing that the narcissistic abuser seeks out people with a weakness which they can exploit, this reason that some victims use to justify staying with their abuser, isn't surprising.
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12. Denial. When you have found your 'soul mate', particularly after many years of difficult relationships, you fall deeper than ever before. You fall so far into the fantasy or the dream world and experience joy and love like you have never felt before. You have given this person your soul. All your inner most secrets. You have found your perfect partner in every way. To accept that all this was fake. That you have been so incredibly violated. That can be impossible.
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13. The fairy tale effect. The relationship will have felt so much like a fairy tale or Disney princess movie, that the victim is simply unable to bear the pain of it not being real. Or they may simply be waiting for the 'kind and loving' person inside the abuser to return.
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Supporting your friend, colleague or loved one.
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And when a friend, colleague or loved one tells you something that seems to you to be so incredulous, it is human nature to struggle with the idea, when your own eyes and senses are showing you something completely different. After all, they seemed so happy together, didn't they?
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It's natural to feel frustrated and wonder secretly,
"Why aren't they just moving on? Getting over it, like any other break up or divorce?"
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"Why do they have to be so overdramatic?"
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"I wish they would snap out of it."
It might be human nature to dismiss what someone is telling you as drama, exaggeration, bitterness, misunderstandings and everyday relationship problems. But it's not OK to do so.
We all need to avoid doing this and try to do better for these victims.
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Your friend, family member, loved one or colleague is in a desperate situation, and the fact that they have come to you for support or advice shows just how desperate they are. They are telling you that they are being, or have been, abused.
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If a child came to you in the same situation, would you take them seriously? Would you hesitate for one moment to believe them? Would you try to deny their pain and suffering, invalidate it, question it or minimise it?
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Of course you wouldn't. And neither should we do this to an adult.
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No one really wants to cause their friend or loved one further pain, but how can we validate and support them?
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First, let's remind ourselves how the victim is feeling at this point.
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They are telling you something deeply personal and traumatic, but they have no scars to show the abuse, no proof of any kind, no black eyes, broken nose or bruises.
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They will be feeling lost, ashamed, scared, confused, dazed, broken, to blame somehow, guilty, not good enough, less than, unworthy, weak, useless, betrayed, abandoned, angry, upset and any other negative emotion you can possibly imagine. They are deeply traumatised and desperate. But they did not choose to feel this way when they woke up that morning.
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They are grieving and their pain is unimaginable. They may switch between feelings of denial, anger, disbelief and depression. Remember they are struggling to make sense of what has happened to them, far more than you are.
They may even be in fear of their life and mentally vulnerable with possible thoughts of self harm or suicide, in which case it may be necessary to get them to a safe place where they can receive professional help as quickly as possible.
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The victim will be stuck in a trauma response, but there will also have been very real physical and chemical changes occurring in their brain throughout the course of their abuse. You cannot see these, but they are there.
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For example, one very important part of the brain, known as the amygdala, will have enlarged. Another important part of the brain, the hypocampus, will have actually shrunk. This is real physical change which has been measured scientifically.
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They are going to need time and support, if ever they are to heal. Judgement, invalidation and disbelief are only going to compound everything mentioned above, delaying the healing process and contributing to the trauma response.
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Hopefully, you have already read the 'first-aid, or first responder' advice above and on the home page. Here are the most important points again, this time with further explanation.
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1. Believe the victim. They are victims of abuse.
Believe that they are a victim, first and foremost! And make sure that they believe that you believe them. You will be shocked by what you are hearing, but they will be equally shocked by what they are telling you.
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2. Validate their experience.
Tell them you believe them and you want to support them.
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3. Give them as much time to speak as they need in that moment.
Let them speak, freely and without any judgement on your part. Allow them time to rant, cry, offload, complain or anything else they to do, and don't judge them in any way.
4. Don't immediately give them 'good advice'!
They are currently feeling unworthy and somehow to blame, so if they don't then follow any advice you give them, it will just compound their own sense of unworthiness and failure. Your role is to believe, support and help, in ways that the victim asks of you. Ask them what they need and how you can help.
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It may be better, under the circumstances, to say nothing at all, rather than to say the wrong thing to someone so traumatised and vulnerable.
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5. Try to make them feel safe and secure
Then when they seem ready, move the topic on to something completely different. Not in a dismissive way, but in a very natural and supportive way. This is because when people are in the middle of a trauma response, they are in the red danger zone and feeling very insecure and unsafe.
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Once they truly know that you believe them and that they are able to feel safe, they can begin to start the long process of making new neural connections in their brain that are connected to feelings of safety and supportiveness. If they don't think that you genuinely believe them 100%, this will not be possible.
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6. When you are able to do so, learn as much as you can about this type of abuse.
If possible, try to encourage others around the victim to follow these same basic principles and share sites of knowledge with them if they are willing.
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You may not be able to actually do anything practical to help, other than send reliable information and sources of support if you can. Do try to encourage them and help them to find suitable professional help because they're going to need this.
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7. Never offer to contact the abuser or pass messages between them and the victim. Do not act as a go-between and be wary of becoming a flying monkey!
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8. Seek professional help at any point if you feel it may be necessary
And remember your own safety and health needs. Remember, you cannot help someone else until you have put your own oxygen mask on.
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Thank you for reading this. A victim of covert narcissistic abuse may one day be grateful too.
It's human nature to find it hard to believe that one person could be this evil to another. It's human nature be unable to understand the depth of this type of abuse when you haven't had the misfortune to experience it.