General information for victims
(But not just for victims!)
I would like to begin this page with a personal letter, to all victims of covert narcissistic abuse, past, present and future.
​
​
Dear precious soul and victim of covert Narcissistic abuse,
​
We do not know each other. Yet, we are joined by a shared trauma that has caused deep and unbearable pain to so many kind and gentle souls. We understand one another's pain.
​
Please know, above all else, that you are not alone, you are not crazy and none of this is your fault.
​
Please read that again:
​
You are not alone.
​
You are not crazy.
​
None of this is your fault.
​
And it will get better.
​
Remember this as you read through this website. Remember this when you struggle to find any tiny glimmer of sense in what has happened to you, or when those around you are unable to understand your pain and suffering.
As I write this, I hope from the bottom of my heart that you are safe and on the road to recovery. Or, if you aren't there yet, that these pages and
further support will help to guide you towards that safer place.
​
Know that you are a kind and gentle soul and that the narcissist was drawn to that very beauty. They needed something that your shine alone could give them and they stole it for their own needs in the most carefully calculated and cruelest way possible.
But you absolutely can and will live - truly live - again. Knowledge is power that allows new life and love to grow and flourish, and it is this which I want to share with you, in the heart of these pages.
​
And if it feels like no one around you seems to believe you or understand what you are going through right now, do not give up - find others who do. They are there and they want to help you. I understand and believe you, and so do millions of other good humans around the world. Reach out and they will come.
​
Please know that, whilst my intentions here are pure and true, this website has limitations. It cannot and should not replace professional help and support, which you will also need along your healing journey.
So, please don't stop here - keep learning - keep searching. And know that, as I write this letter, I am thinking of you.
​
I wish you the greatest possible strength and kindness on your journey,
and always,
​
Alicia 💜
First and Foremost...
Are you are currently trapped in a covertly abusive relationship? Are you safe?
​
You must take all necessary measures to secure your safety.
Seek professional help and support immediately.
Call your local emergency helpline.
​
There are further helpful links here
​
You can come back to these pages when you are stronger.
And you will be stronger.
Have you recently been discarded, or managed to escape a toxic relationship?
Your priority, if you have not done so already, is to make yourself safe.
​
I sincerely hope that you have at least one or two people around you who believe you and are able to offer you the support and kindness that you deserve right now. If you haven't, then please keep looking. Start here, learn as much as you can and do not give up.
​
There are further helpful links here
I've escaped my abuser... what next?
The following information contains some important warnings, not to scare, but to prepare.
​
I do not recommend trying to work through this alone. You will need a good therapist - preferably someone with both good professional experience and personal experience.
​
It's not only your mental health that is in danger. Many narcissistic abusers continue to be a great danger to their victims and those around them, even after the relationship has ended. Don't fall into the trap of thinking they wouldn't or couldn't do any such harm, because believe me, they can. A professional therapist should understand this and will be able to help you make the right choices and avoid being reeled back in by your abuser.
​
Don't give up until you find a therapist that you feel safe and supported by, but please also be aware that there are some therapists who have narcissistic traits themselves.
​
A well-organised and facilitated support group could also be very beneficial. But beware of online groups - certain groups on sites such as Facebook are not safe and are often infiltrated by narcissists and narcissistic abusers. This is not what you need.
​
The most important thing to remember throughout this is that the abuser still needs you. Even if they have discarded you and even if they have already scanned around for a new victim. They need you as supply for their own needs. They will do everything they can in order to either get you back under their control or to punish you. Their ego is damaged and their supply chain has gone, and for a person with narcissistic personality disorder, this is a very dangerous situation.
​
-
Do not believe they would never hurt you - that 'they aren't like that'. They are.
​
-
Do not believe they are done with you and won't bother you anymore. They will.
​
-
These people are not normal, healthy individuals. They have a kind of addiction, if you will, and one which will always need feeding and will never be treatable. Please remember this at all times.
​
I do not feel qualified in any way to give advice here about the safety factors that you need to be aware of, and deal with, following an escape or discard situation - unfortunately, that is beyond the scope of this website. But, it is another reason to get adequate professional support. There is much important advice about what you should or should not do, such as no contact policies, grey rocking, safety on social media and so on - which are all best explained by a trusted source. There are several reputable organisations listed on the information page, here.
Your own feelings and emotions
In addition to the pain and heartbreak that people expect after the breakdown of a relationship, you are also trying to come to terms with the fact that everything you believed to be true about this one, was false. Nothing was as it seemed. Plus, you may be feeling foolish or embarrassed and blaming yourself or at least feeling somehow responsible. Let me just take a moment to remind you that, although these thoughts are normal, they hold no truth.
​
Right now, you will be in a deep grief, while at the same time utterly confused, disorientated, scared and even questioning your own sanity. You will be depressed and anxious, having difficulty sleeping, concentrating, working, eating...
​
Previous traumas may have been triggered, or perhaps unresolved thoughts and emotions from the past are back to haunt you.
​
Then to make matters even worse, unlike after a normal breakup, many around you will not be able to adequately support you or even have any reference from which to understand your experience. This will leave you feeling terribly alone and misunderstood in your hour of greatest need.
​
You may even be re-evaluating friendships.
​
In addition to all this, you may also have other significant concerns. There may be financial implications and other practical factors such as living arrangements, shared property, bills, children or pets to consider.
​
If this wasn't enough, you might be living in fear for your life, or that of someone you are close to, as well as your own safety, your sanity, your home and your reputation. For victims these fears are very real, very substantial, and should never, ever be downplayed.
​
Simply existing from day to day may well feel impossible and you may believe right now, that it will never end. You may desperately want to run away, escape or hide. This is completely understandable and a very normal process that you are having to go through. You are not crazy, and this will pass.
​
So, please be kind to yourself. Allow as much time to heal and whatever else you may need. Keep asking for help and support and don't give up.
Some common questions
Why me?
If you have asked yourself this question, over and over, it's not
surprising and is entirely natural.
​
However, any feelings of self blame are entirely false.
None of this is your fault. You are not to blame for your abuser's
crimes, in any way at all.
​
I cannot emphasise this enough: you were specifically chosen and groomed because you are a kind, caring and trusting person. This is not a fault. In any way whatsoever.
​
None of us are immune from covert narcissistic abuse, and it is exactly the same qualities that others like about us, that feed the supply of these abusers. These people are professional con artists and falling prey to one is nothing to do with intelligence, weakness or anything else.
​
Let's talk a little about what it is that makes these predators the way they are.
​
Every covert narcissist needs supply....
​
You will have been groomed by the abuser for some time in the beginning of the relationship, probably even before you met.
​
During this time they were getting to know everything about you as well as those close to you. Details about your past, your present, your future goals and plans, your strengths, your weaknesses, your morals, your faults, your preferences, likes and dislikes. Everything that makes you who you are.
​
It is a comprehensive and complex process. Without being aware of it, you were being assessed for how much you had to offer the narcissist's own self-esteem and ego. You were being scanned and chosen as supply for their own needs.
​
Narcissists make a beeline for kind and caring people. Intelligent people with strong morals. Sensitive and nurturing people. They are also drawn to people with past trauma, or a recent relationship breakup.
​
Why didn't I see what was happening to me?
Because these people are professional con artists. Fakers. Chameleons. Illusionists. Lacking in empathy and conscience. They are superb actors and twisters of the truth. Masters of disguise. They can make themselves anything you want or need them to be. Anything, in order to fulfil their own need for supply.
​
Often, they are even able to con professionals, experienced therapists and psychologists.
​
They will have conned all those dear to you as well as colleagues and mutual friends. Everyone will have succumbed to their charm, and their too-good-to-be-true persona.
​
So it's not just you. How could you have known that a fellow human was capable of all that? . No, dear victim. You couldn't have known.
Why did no one close to me see what was happening?
For the same reasons I have already mentioned. You weren't the only one being conned and manipulated. Your abuser created an intricate web of illusion around themselves, right from the very start. They had already groomed you and those around you. They knew everything they needed to in order to do so, and none of you really stood a chance. That's not to say that you cannot learn how to become better equipped to see through these con artists - we all certainly can.
Why don't some friends and family believe me?
When my dear friend managed to escape from her abusive prison and began telling those she trusted what had happened, I was one of the few people who immediately accepted the information she was sharing. Tragically, I soon realised I was in the minority.
​
I have since learned that the subsequent additional trauma she had to go through, when friend after friend, family member after family member invalidated her experience, or outright disbelieved it, is all too common an experience for victims. And it was this fact that shocked me almost as much as the hidden depths of this type of abuse itself.
​
For you now, it must be unbearably painful when you have managed to break out of your prison, confide in people you love and trust, only to hit this new and unexpected barrier. They don't believe you. They cannot see through the illusion that your abuser has created. You are seen to be exaggerating, dramatising. Or even plain lying.
They see just another relationship break up or divorce. They may say things such as,
"Perhaps you should see a counsellor together."
"I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt you so much, they are such a good person."
"I can see how upset they are for what they've done to you. If you just talk to them..."
"It takes two to make or break a relationship."
"There are two sides to every story."
And so on.
​
Whilst I couldn't understand the coldness and insensitivity of these comments that were made to my friend at that time, I am now able to understand where they come from. At least up to a point. But that doesn't excuse them. Nor does it diminish the damage that they inflict on top of an already desperate situation. And that is part of what drove me to write this website.
​
Human nature and the human mind are strange. The mind can be easily fooled and manipulated, so what those around you are experiencing is a distortion in two realities. They are seeing the persona the abuser has created, yet you are trying to persuade them, that what they are seeing is false. This disconnect is what is so difficult for some people to process.
​
Also, like many of us, it can be unbearable to even imagine a human to be capable of something such as this. Sometimes, so unbearable, that the human mind protects itself by a state of denial.
​
And finally, the narcissist has totally done a number on all those around you. They will have conned everyone perfectly - right from the very start of the relationship. You can read more about this on the previous page.
What possible tactics might my abuser use once I have left the relationship?
By leaving your abuser, a narcissistic rage could be triggered.
Abusers don't like being discarded. They don't like their supply being cut off. And sometimes, they cannot let a victim go without trying to destroy them once and for all.
​
This can be a very dangerous time. Not just for you, the victim, but also for your family, friends and colleagues. Stalking is common. Violence, threats and hate crimes frequently occur. And the smear campaign to end all smear campaigns could unfold.
​
Abusers have many tactical cards still to play.
One is the manipulation of mutual friends or family, to make them unwittingly do the abuser's bidding. This is commonly known as 'flying monkeys'. This, as the name suggests, is just like in the film, The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the East uses flying monkeys to do her evil bidding against Dorothy.
​
One way they do this is by persuading a mutual friend to relay messages to the you on behalf of the abuser. Your friend will surely believe in what they are telling the you, and you will already trust this person. This might look something like this:
"They are so sorry! They have been so upset since you left and never wanted to hurt you. They have made an urgent appointment with their therapist."
​
Or a family member may have 'heard from a friend' or 'seen on Facebook', that the abuser is devastated.
"They haven't been able to work for weeks. They talk about you all the time and can't believe how they treated you. They almost crashed the car the other day because they were so devastated. They love you so much!"
​
Sadly, some friends, and possibly even family, may even go over to the 'dark side'. Even those you would least expect, because they are unaware that they too are being manipulated like little puppets as part of this insidious game of power and control.
​
Then there is the typical smear campaign, designed to totally devastate lives, careers and reputations. Serious lies, designed to damage you, may be quickly spread throughout your social and family circles, or even your place of work. And do be aware that social media sites such as Facebook, do victims no favours whatsoever in these situations. Sadly, they are a dream tool for narcissistic abusers.
​
There is also the chance that, at some point, the abuser will make efforts to reel you back in - lure you back into their sticky web. They've done it before and it won't be difficult, especially while you are so broken and vulnerable.
​
This is why it is so important to work with a professional who understands all these tactics.
How can I protect myself in future relationships?​
As you already know, it's far from easy or straightforward. If it was then none of us would become ensnared in this deadly net. But remember:
Knowledge is power
It is so important to learn as much as you possibly can - both from this website and other sources. Share this site if you can because the more people become aware and educated about this, the harder it will always be for for covert narcissistic abusers to infiltrate lives. No one teaches us this in school so it is all our responsibility to do so.
Spotting the signs before the relationship
Another important part of this process is reflecting upon past
relationships and trying to learn from them. Most of us have an
inner voice, yet most of the time we suppress it or ignore it. If we
can improve our skills of listening to it, we stand more chance of
responding to these important instincts if ever we are in a weakened or vulnerable state.
​
1. What attracts someone with NPD to you?
​
2. What attracts you to someone with NPD?
​
Let's talk through each of these briefly.
​
The first question involves understanding what narcissistic abusers are looking for and what they need. Why are they so drawn to your shine? What are their overpowering psychological needs? Remember they are looking for someone to supply whatever is missing in themselves - their sense of self, empathy and so on.
​
Below is a list of questions to ask yourself in order to work out what it is that you've got to offer and that they want. I'm not talking faults here, or a lack of intelligence - on the contrary in fact, they are interested in your strengths and talents as much as your vulnerabilities.
​
Think about the following:
​
1) What are your vulnerabilities?
​
2) What are your assets?
​
3) How might your own personal story might be used by a narcissistic predator?
​
4) What traits (real or created) previously attracted you to the narcissist?
​
5) Are you known as a kind, thoughtful, caring person?
​
Here is a very comprehensive list of red flags, clues and signs for each of the stages of a covert narcissistic abusive relationship. You can read it on this page here, or you can click on the icon below to download and print it, but only if you feel safe to do so.
Learning from previous abusive relationships
Another important part of this process is reflecting upon past
relationships and trying to learn from them. Most of us have an
inner voice, yet most of the time, we suppress it or ignore it. If we can improve our skills of listening to it, we stand more chance of responding to these important instincts if ever we are in a weakened or vulnerable state.
​
Ask yourself these questions and be honest with your answers:
​
1. Were there any voices in your mind at any stage during that relationship, that made you instinctively cautious? Shocked? Confused? Questioning in some way? And which you subsequently ignored or wrote off? What were they?
2. Did you see signs of the mask slipping at any point?
3. Did someone else raise questions at any point?
4. What made you ignore these signs or feelings?
What about the second question:
what attracts you to someone with NPD?
I believe this is definitely something to be investigated with a professional. It's a complicated subject around psychology and one about which I know only a little.
​
Is there something about our own attachment styles, psychological needs and tendencies that could make us unconsciously seek out particular profiles in romantic partners and relationships, perhaps? Depending on our individual life experiences and traumas, there may be patterns around relationships which should be addressed before we can safely move forward.
​
Some information about this here:
https://markmanson.net/attachment-styles
​
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/codependency-narcissism-may-have-more-in-common-than-you-think-0807187
Can I heal from this abusive relationship?
Absolutely, yes. You can and you will. You've made a good start already just by getting to this point.
​
But of course this is no mean feat, and it will take time, love and patience from those around you, as well as from yourself, along with professional help and guidance.
There will be many practical considerations to work through, such as your health, finances, housing and perhaps work. There may be children or pets involved, disputes over joint possessions or you may even be in a vulnerable position still, fearing for the safety of yourself or others.
​
There are organisations to help you manage these things too, and I have included an international list in the information and links page. Crimes such as stalking and threats should be reported to the police.
The psychological damage will need professional support too. You have the task of rediscovering your true self, as well as working on any maladaptive behaviours that this abuse will doubtless have caused you to develop.
You've come out of this a completely different person to the one who entered the relationship. You don't know who you are anymore and you've lost touch with your authentic self completely. Your abuser stolen your personality by turning you into an image of what they want, and an echo of their black empty self. What you now have is a false identity manufactured to suit their own needs.
​
So gradually, one of your challenges will be to become a detective and work out which parts of you are true and which have been created by the abuser. Then you will have a solid foundation to grow from and reclaim all that was once yours.
Stages of recovery. You can do it.
Another important part of this process is reflecting upon past
relationships and trying to learn from them. Most of us have an
inner voice, yet most of the time we suppress it or ignore it. If we can improve our skills of listening to it, we stand more chance of responding to these important instincts, if ever we are in a weakened or vulnerable state.
Just don't try to do it alone. Get help, get support and learn as much as you can. As you go through the process of rediscovering your authentic self, you will be rebuilding your own self-esteem and confidence. You will also go through the many stages of grief - possibly even several times. It is important to let this happen and be kind to yourself. Don't blame or judge yourself and don't try to bypass or rush this important stage of healing.
Under the guidance of professional help, learn about the best ways to move forward, including methods such as 'no contact' and 'grey stoning'. Watch out for, and get advice for, any tactics the abuser uses after you have broken up. For example, smear campaigns, threats and stalking. Do not hesitate to contact the police if necessary. Don't trust any professionals who try to persuade you that this is your fault in any which way.
Be wary of people who may take you under their wing. You are vulnerable right now and there are some people who will even take advantage of this. If in doubt, seek professional advice.
​
Connect with support groups and victims who understand what you have suffered. Be wary of such groups on social media sites, such as Facebook, as these are also places narcissists themselves pop up, and that's the last thing you need.
​
Keep a journal if that suits you or just write down you thoughts as they begin to unravel. This will also help to remind you how far you have come in your recovery journey. It will also serve to help you recognise patterns and warning signs in future relationships.
​
Read, study, learn and reflect. Begin with all the pages of this website and continue learning until you are as prepared as you can be for healthy future relationships. Learn what you have to offer narcissistic abusers as well as what attracts you to them. Study the signs, clues and red flags. Find good professionals to support you in your studies.
​
Look after your self. Make yourself the priority again. Try to return to better eating and sleeping habits and ensure that you have time just for you, to do whatever you feel helps.
Remember!
Never trust your abuser.
Never underestimate them.
Never trust their friends.
Never believe that they have changed.
Never give them the chance to manipulate you again.
​
Now you can go back to the main menu and continue to search around this website. Or you can click on one of the specific links below.
​
Once again, I wish you well on your journey. I am proud of you for getting this far and you should be too.