What is covert narcissistic abuse?
If this is the first time you've heard this term, you are not alone.
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First, I will briefly discuss some terminology and important differences. The terms narcissist, narcissism and narcissistic
personality disorder are not the same thing.
Narcissist: a description and a trait
Firstly, there is the unhelpful and inaccurate use of the word 'narcissist' as an adjective. In everyday language this tends to be over-used as a general insult, meaning someone who is vain, a little obnoxious, and overly sure of themselves. Unfortunately, this flippant use of the term distracts from the true meaning.
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We can all be 'narcissistic' at times and there are normal healthy levels of self love and self-worth. That is not what we are talking about here.
The true definition of a narcissist is a descriptive term used to describe a particular collection of negative personality traits or tendencies, which can vary in degrees. These include being grandiose, arrogant, self-centred and obnoxious.
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True narcissism exists on a scale. At the lower end of this scale are narcissists, and at the other end are narcissists who have a mental disorder known as, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
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The more extreme the narcissism, the greater the desire for money, power and prestige. And consequently, the more extreme lengths they will go to to get it. They will be manipulative of others, exploitative and void of empathy.
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But crucially, basic narcissists have a good strong dose of self-esteem. In other words, they genuinely feel good about themselves and don't need anyone else to do that for them. This is where they differ from people with narcissistic personality disorder, who appear to have a healthy self-esteem on the outside, whilst in fact they are dangerously lacking in this vital human component.
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When narcissism is a psychiatric disorder
At the most extreme end of the narcissistic scale, is the mental disorder called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), which is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). This is very far from normal.
Sometimes known as pathological narcissists, they can be overt or covert in their behaviour. Both have the same characteristics, but the way they behave is very different, and this is a crucial factor in how easy it is for covert narcissists to abuse and manipulate, completely undetected.
There appears to be a considerably higher percentage of males to females, but there are certainly many with NPD who are women.
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The overt narcissists are the ones many of us are more familiar with because they tend to be very obvious. This is the self-centred, self-adoring, arrogant and grandiose type, who loves to put others down and brag about themselves very openly. Often they will unleash outbursts of anger and aggression, but are still very much in plain view for all to see.
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Looking down on those who do not admire them, people with NPD feel superior and entitled. Happy to exploit others in their desire for money, power and prestige. And because they have little or no empathy for those around them, they may go to any lengths to get there.
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These are the people we too often see as world leaders, or in other positions of power. Clambering and clawing their way over others. Standing on the shoulders of their followers and supporters, in order to elevate themselves to a place where they can fulfil their need for power, money and prestige. And from there, with little to no empathy, they go on to commit (often heinous) crimes in the process.
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On the other hand, covert narcissists will be more harmful to those closest to them and, as the name suggests, in undetectable ways. ​​
Grandiosity, which is so obvious in overt types, is now well hidden behind a veil of inferiority and deficiency. Instead, manipulative tactics are hidden away from plain site. These are the dangerous narcissists who are discussed in these pages. Those whose traits are far less obvious, and who are able to con everyone around them so easily. These people appear to care and have empathy because their mask is so well constructed. But, they do not.
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Unlike the arrogance displayed by the overt narcissist, they appear more self-critical and passive-aggressive. They still envy others and they still believe they are entitled and superior to everyone else. They appear to have empathy, but it isn't real empathy. They appear to be helpful, caring and kind and will make sure that this image is the one which is always portrayed in public. They will advertise and emphasise their best (fictitious) traits such as loyalty, trustworthiness and honesty. And this is how these abusers stay hidden, yet in plain site.
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NPD is a disorder which is not generally considered curable or treatable. It is also rarely diagnosed, due to the fact that people with the disorder do not see anything wrong with their behaviour and therefore will never seek help for it. They may be inadvertently diagnosed, either by being admitted to prison or when they seek psychiatric help for a comorbidity such as depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder. It is also worth knowing that NPD is far too frequently, and rather dangerously, misdiagnosed as something else, such as bipolar disorder and Asperger Syndrome.
There are other websites and professionals that talk about help that is available for people with NPD, but it is not within the scope of this website to do so. For now, the best the rest of us can do, is learn to look out for the signs to protect ourselves and others.
Narcissism or NPD?
The umbrella term of 'narcissism' therefore, covers both the narcissist, and the person with narcissistic personality disorder. The traits are the same for both, but the degrees and quantities of the traits may be different.
The DSM-5 discusses the traits needed for a diagnosis of NPD as follows. There must be persistent grandiosity, a continuous desire for admiration, along with a lack of empathy. It must start by early adulthood, and occur in a range of situations. At least five of the following criteria must be present:
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A grandiose sense of self-importance (i.e. exaggerates their achievements and abilities)
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A preoccupation with the idea of gaining success, power, love, and physical attractiveness
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A belief that they are special or high status and can only be understood by similar people or should only associate with those people (or institutions)
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A need for excessive admiration
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A sense of entitlement and expectation that others will comply or give them favourable treatment
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Exploits other people for personal gain
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Lacks empathy for others
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Envies others or believes that other people envy them
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Arrogant behaviours and attitudes
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It can be difficult to tell someone with NPD from someone with a severe form of narcissism, but there is one crucial difference. Whereas the narcissist has a healthy self-esteem, the person with NPD does not. Quite the opposite in fact - they have an extremely fragile self-esteem. As if being held together by a single thread, falling apart at the slightest criticism.
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It is this fragile self esteem, which needs to be constantly bolstered and supplied with false adoration, which leads to the abusive and manipulative behaviour we see in people with NPD. You can see why they target people who are kind, empathetic, caring, popular and all those other positive traits that I list here. All the things that they themselves lack.
This is also why people with NPD can't survive outside of a relationship for any length of time and why they need to be so covert in their methods, in order to successfully maintain these relationships.
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But when it comes to relationships, people with basic narcissistic traits will differ from those with NPD. In the latter, disordered relationships will be the norm; the disordered behaviour will be pervasive and severe, causing extreme impairment. All past social and intimate relationships will have been unhealthy and disordered - something which should be apparent to the trained eye. However, the narcissist will have no insight whatsoever as to why this might be. In fact all aspects of their personal life will revolve around self-centredness and a belief that they are genuinely better than anyone else.
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But most worryingly, those around the narcissist cannot see these hidden weaknesses. They are carefully masked. They are vulnerabilities that must always be hidden and nefariously fed, needing constant, adoration, praise and reassurance from others.
Worse still: NPD plus sociopathy
NPD is part of a cluster of four personality disorders, all listed under the title of 'cluster B' in the DSM-5. All of these personality disorders have the propensity for uncontrollable emotions and unpredictability. They tend to overlap a lot too, so if a person has traits of one personality disorder, they often have traits from another.
Of course, a person can have more than one personality disorder, and they often do.
For example, it's possible to have NPD plus antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), and this is a particularly dangerous mix.​
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A narcissistic sociopath will have the worst of both disorders. Cold and calculating, they will have no problem whatsoever exploiting others, or trampling them down if they are in the way. And when their victim no longer serves a purpose (fulfils a need) they will be discarded like a dirty rag. You can read more about narcissistic sociopaths here. ​
Furthermore, these worst-case narcissists may be even more difficult to spot. Contrary to the image that springs to mind when thinking about someone such as this, they are rarely aggressive, or visibly disordered in any way. In fact they tend to blend in extremely well. Perhaps too well? They are kind and charming, pillars of the community who do not truly share any societal moral code. Instead, they mentally and emotionally abuse behind closed doors.
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Remember, the person with NPD (or NPD plus sociopathy) has a deeply dysfunctional psychological need. What they need is an endless supply of admiration, adoration, affection and pity to replace their own. On the surface, they may seem to care about others, but in fact, the care is only in relation to their own self. This is why any apparent empathy is not real, but merely a reflection of the empathy in their victims.
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That's not to say that these people are actually aware of their addiction to reassurance and adoration, in fact they are not. They cannot see anything wrong with their own behaviour because they are narcissists at the core.
The Narcissism Scale
Some harmless and occasional narcissistic traits
Narcissistic traits affect relationships but there is still empathy and some insight into these traits.
Strong narcissistic traits. Much difficulty in relationships and little self awareness. Little to no empathy.
NPD:
Extreme and dangerous narcissistic traits. Fragile self esteem.
No true empathy.
NPD + Sociopathy
Extremely dangerous. Lacking in empathy and conscience.
© Alicia Maine 2022
The covert narcissistic abuser and relationships
Hopefully, by this point you will have some idea of what may be possible, the degrees of narcissism, and how much less obvious is can become as we move up the narcissistic scale.
Covert narcissistic abusers are chameleons - masters at disguising their true selves and able to be whoever they need to be in any given situation. They are con-artists, liars, fakers and illusionists. They manipulate, coerce, and control others into supplying them with the crucial human factors which they, themselves, are lacking. All this, to fill the space that exists from their own lack of self-esteem.
They are able to abuse without empathy, and in the case of sociopathy, also without any conscience. They are driven like an addict, except with no moral code or conscience to stand in their way. Anything is possible. And their addiction is this constant need to feed their self esteem.
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Abuse comes in many different forms and an abuser is not necessarily a narcissist. But people with NPD will always abuse others or manipulate them in some way. Without any insight, empathy or remorse, and perhaps even a lack of conscience, they do not see anything wrong in themselves. All aspects of their personal life will revolve around self-centredness and a belief that they are genuinely better than anyone else. With their disordered ways of thinking, it is impossible to have normal healthy relationships.
Covert narcissists are most dangerous because of the hidden nature of the abuse, and what they are able to get away with, out of the public view. They frequently escape detection by psychologists and psychiatrists, never raising any cause for concern. In relationship therapy, they are often able to pull the wool over the therapist's own eyes. In public life, no one would suspect, let alone believe that they could do the things they are being accused of.
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Abuse does not always have a physical component. Covert abuse is mainly psychological and emotional, although there may also be hidden sexual or physical abuse. But it's important to be aware that there are usually no signs of any abuse, whatsoever, to those outside of the relationship. This is why it is such a particularly dangerous, toxic and insidious form of abuse.
Physical or not - covert narcissistic abuse is just as dangerous and just as damaging. The abuse still traumatises the victims deeply - first by isolating them, and then proceeding to destroy them, slowly dragging them down into the mud; leaving only a shattered soul and an empty shell.
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Covert narcissistic abuse can and does occur in families, between friends and even work colleagues, in fact, any relationship where there is an uneven balance of power. That includes doctors, psychologists, priests, teachers, CEO's and so on. And although this website focuses on romantic or intimate relationships, there is much information here that can also be applied to other types of relationships.​
Why is covert narcissistic abuse so toxic and damaging?
This invisible, predatory, psychological and emotional abuse not only goes unnoticed or undetected, but when victims do talk about it, they are very often disbelieved. And this is a tragic and sorry state of affairs. But why is this? A question I have asked myself many times and one which I personally needed to understand.
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One possible reason is that, human nature being what it is, family, friends and colleagues are frequently unable to comprehend what they are being told. It may be simply too painful to admit to or even consider. They are seeing one thing with their own eyes, yet hearing something completely different from the victim. Therefore the brain simply cannot make sense of this disconnect. Most people (fortunately) will not have any previous framework of reference to go by.
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Through the rose-tinted illusion conjured up by the narcissist, onlookers see a sad and tragic break up. They see only a kindhearted person (the abuser) who has long been a pillar of the community and who categorically, could not be capable of the evil things they are hearing about. It is actually easier for many people to make sense of this disconnect in their reality by disbelieving the victim, in favour of the abuser's totally convincing persona.
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The victim's reality, on the other hand, is that they have somehow managed to escape from a manipulative, controlling and dangerous person, disguised as a loving partner. Only to find that those they turn to for help cannot, or will not believe them.
Covert narcissistic abusers are incredibly proficient con-artists. Fakers. Illusionists. They don't only con their victims, because from the very beginning of the relationship they will have been beguiling everyone around them. They were doing it in a previous relationship and they will do it again in the next one. Few, other than their victims, ever get a glimpse through their veil of deceit.
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They exist in all areas of society, never raising an ounce of suspicion in those they meet, live with, or work with. They are often considered pillars of the community - a trusted priest, a popular school teacher, a kind and helpful neighbour who you've known for 20 years and who always helped their elderly neighbour up the stairs at night... Or they may be a shy, reclusive type, never giving anyone cause for concern.
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Unfortunately, they also exist as family relatives. Mothers, fathers, brothers, aunts and so on. There may even be more than one covert narcissist in a family, in which case it can become so normalised to members of that family, that a victim from within it has no idea they are living with any abuse of any sort. It's all just normal family life to them as well as to the outsiders looking in.
The point I am making, is that these predators are invisible and they live their whole lives undetected. They can abuse again and again and again, destroying many lives over many decades. Just because we don't see the abuse, that doesn't mean it's not happening.
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So, as you can see, few people will ever be able to truly comprehend anything so abhorrent as what the victims are describing. Is it really so surprising that so few of us are able to believe?
The distinct stages of covert narcissistic abuse
I will discuss each of the (very subtle) stages of covert narcissistic
abuse in turn. For each stage, there are also useful signs, clues and red flags that potential victims, or someone close to them may be able to detect.
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I have included a very comprehensive Pdf of these red flags on the next page, where you can either read directly from the website, or download and print a copy.
The distinct stages are:
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Stage 1: Seduce a suitable victim - fishing and grooming.
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Stage 2: Reel them in. Build trust and kudos with victim and those around them.
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Stage 3: Separate the victim from their support network.
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Stage 4: Control, abuse and manipulate.
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Stage 5: Victim escapes, or is discarded when no longer serving a purpose.
Please read on to learn more. But do so safely - if you are distressed or triggered in any way, do not hesitate to stop and seek urgent support right away. Remember that I am not a professional, nor qualified in any way to help you, but what I can offer you is the power of knowledge and a good place to begin your journey for information.
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If the following stages seem to be written like a script from a dark TV series, that is because most covert narcissistic abusers follow this script. There may be small deviations, but it is such a carefully calculated process, with specific aims and goals, that every victim will be able to see themselves and their abuser in this script.
Stage 1:
Fishing for a new victim
Even before the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist is is looking for the ideal partner for their needs, and so they go fishing for someone who's personality traits will benefit them.
What they are looking for is very specific information - strengths and weaknesses, personality traits, triggers, their morals, past traumas, past relationships, job and financial situation, popularity and success, and most importantly - their vulnerabilities.
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Once a potential victim is found, the narcissist will begin grooming them, as well as their close family, friends, work colleagues, and social media.
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Grooming is a technique used by abusers to prepare their prey, so that they will be at their most vulnerable when they are finally trapped. Grooming of any potential abuse victim first involves lowering their defences and gaining their explicit trust. This makes it easy to then get inside their mind when the time is right and from there they will be able to begin the manipulation and abuse which will break the victim down.
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In order to hook the prey, the narcissist creates whatever persona is necessary. In other words, a unique mask - just for this new victim. Then they go about convincing the victim, and the people around them, of their (fake) worthiness and integrity.
Whilst all this scanning and grooming and planning for the future is going on, the narcissist will be making sure that any red flags that happen to pop up in the mind of their victim (or those around them) will be quickly and expertly dismissed, explained away, brushed aside or minimised. Remember, the deception will be so subtle that it will be virtually invisible.
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As part of the illusion, the hugely well loved and trusted narcissist will make sure they are seen to be a poster boy or girl for good honest living. They will be so loyal, caring, animal loving, family friendly... or whatever their victim's seduction calls for. But what they really are, is fake.
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Various manipulative tactics are used to seduce the new partner, including love bombing and mirroring. The victim will feel cherished, loved and even worshipped like never before. The relationship will move very quickly - quicker than a normal healthy relationship.
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During this early stage, one of the things the narcissist will be doing is setting the stage for future abuse to occur. All the well-researched evidence about the victim will be analysed and stored for later use, when it will be twisted in order to further aid the abuse and manipulation.
One such tactic involves planting tiny grains of truth amidst the victim's network. What then happens is that these grains will gradually be added to, bit by bit, until they are big narcissistic lies disguised by the little grain of truth. They will be used later as tools to manipulate both the victim and those around them. For example, any mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, will be manipulated and embellished by the narcissist and used later as 'proof' of their craziness.
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Another tactic, is allowing details of the narcissist's previous relationship to emerge. This is very much a conscious choice and is one of many pity-seeking tactics that are part and parcel of narcissistic abuse. The ex-partner will be shown to have been mentally unwell or unstable, abusive, manipulative, demanding and financially draining. Frequently the word 'psycho' will come up.
The narcissist will ensure that people are aware of this as it serves to bolster his good reputation at this crucial stage of the relationship. Commonly, there will be ongoing disputes over money, children or relatives from this previous relationship, where the ex partner was, of course, totally to blame. Never forget that these people are professional liars and they make sure to have 'evidence' somehow.
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By the time the predator has completed their thorough research, set the stage for future deception, their narcissistic spell of illusion will be at full strength. They will have successfully hooked their prey, ready to be reeled in, deeper into the abuser's net.
Stage 2:
Reeling the victim in
Once hooked, the narcissist will further strengthen the glowing illusion that has been woven around the couple. This stage is all about cementing the trust of the victim and those around them and developing an unbreakable bond, irresistible passion and an unnatural reliance on the relationship.
This is the stage that some call the idealising stage. It is where the victim is made to feel unbelievably special.
"You are the only person I've ever met who truly understands me."
"I've never met anyone like you before. Your ex was an idiot to throw you away."
In this way the victim will be gradually elevated onto a very high pedestal.
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Meanwhile, the whirlwind romance will be in full force - the intensity of which the victim may never have experienced before. A strong bond will quickly develop between the couple and there will be little time to pause for breath amidst all the narcissist's love bombing.
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Overwhelming charm will make the victim feel as though they have found their soul mate; the partner they have always dreamed of; a knight in shining armour. And probably the most considerate lover they could have wished for.
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This scammer now takes the opportunity to highlight their own virtues further. A good time to introduce their lovely family, pets, favourite hobbies, and their own friends, and all will confirm what a wonderful person they are. Remember, a con artist cons everyone, so their friendship circle will also be unaware of anything out of the ordinary.
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In order to further polish their now glowing reputation, they will probably make a big point of bragging about their high moral code - virtually tattooed across their forehead for everyone to see. Such virtues as trust, honesty and loyalty, all bolstered by tales of the people from their past who have had the audacity to break those codes.
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Another tactic is to build up their bank of pity points, in order to further endear the victim and make them feel sorry for their abuser. Several tactics are employed to do this.
One is the sharing of 'secrets' that they have 'never told anyone else'. They will appear to share a (remarkably) similar dark past to the victim's. Or better still, a tragically worse past, that they heroically managed to survive. Crocodile tears might flow easily, for added effect.
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They may admit to doing some bad things in the past, such as drugs or crime, in order to demonstrate how amazing they are to have turned their lives around.
Perhaps one of the most powerful manipulation skills that the narcissist employs from early on in the relationship is something called mirroring.
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They will have been collecting knowledge about the things that make the victim tick, and storing them in their devious little data bank. The victim's opinions, dreams, beliefs, morals, likes and dislikes and general life experiences. Now they know which mask to wear and what persona to reflect back at the victim.
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For example, if they secretly know that the victim is a feminist, then they will show how much of a feminist they are too. If the victim has always dreamed of going into space, well then so has the narcissist. They will astound the victim with all these amazing things they have in common, and of course, it will all to help sweep them off their feet.
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I like this description by Vivian McGrath at https://themindsjournal.com/narcissist-mirroring/
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" Essentially what’s happening when they love-bomb you, in the beginning, is you’re falling in love with yourself. I know that sounds weird. But you are falling in love with a mirrored version. Of You. That’s why it feels amazing. It feels right and so good."
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Narcissistic rage - a reaction or a power tactic
Amongst victims of narcissistic abuse, this is a well known and unique phenomenon. A deeply unnatural and sometimes terrifying experience, common in this type of abuse.
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Narcissists are prone to sudden outbursts of anger. These always seem out of proportion to the situation that triggered them, and are usually because something triggered their psychological sore points, or is threatening to damage their delicate self-esteem.
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However, sometimes narcissistic rage is particularly terrifying and goes on far longer than these 'tantrum rages'. In this case, the rage is actually used as a tool of manipulation, at a time when the victim is emotionally deeply invested in the relationship, but the abuser senses a loosening of their grip on the victim. The aim is to create an even stronger bond between them and increase the victim's reliance upon their abuser.
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These rages come at a time when things are not going the way the narcissist had planned, or perhaps they simply aren't getting the attention and ego boost that they need and feel they deserve. Perhaps their mask has slipped at some point or the victim has uncovered a mistake or there is a risk of exposure. This will be a very painful experienced for the narcissist, triggering a powerful innate defence mechanism as a result.
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During one of these rages, victims frequently describe the abuser as having 'black eyes' and expressing 'pure hatred'. Of having a unique and terrifyingly difficult-to-describe kind of look that they have never seen before, and never want to see again.
This rage of almighty proportions often signals the beginning of a smear campaign around something the victim has supposedly done, making even the victim believe that they are to blame for the breakdown of the relationship.
The smear campaign will be created by using some of the victim's strengths, yet making them look like weaknesses, and by claiming that the narcissist's sacred moral code has been desecrated.
This cleverly deflects blame to the victim so that they are seen to carry the blame for the relationship breaking up. The abuser says things such as,
"I would never have behaved like this before I met you."
"You have made me this way. You need help."
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It will shock all those around the couple. Everyone will be made aware of the victim's 'crime' and where the fault lies for this break up, leaving them in no doubt that the relationship is well and truly over.
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The victim, of course, will be devastated and won't know where this outburst came from:
"How can my soul mate react like this?"
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"I must have done something terribly wrong!"
They will be left utterly broken, empty and grief stricken. Meanwhile, the abuser disappears off radar completely, continuing his tactical manoeuvres by cutting off all communications bar a cruel silence. This in itself is an extremely powerful and manipulative tactic, which leaves the victim to suffer, whilst the narcissist enjoys the moral upper hand and continues the cruel games.
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In their grief ridden state, carrying the heavy weight of responsibility for this tragedy, the victim will feel as though they have ruined everything. Life is over. This perfect fairytale relationship can never, ever be repaired. Everyone knows it was their fault. They are deeply ashamed, full of unbearable regret and loathing for themselves.
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As the next few heartbreaking weeks or months go by, the victim will doubtless contact the narcissist in hope (or desperation) begging forgiveness. But there will only be occasional breaks in the narcissist's silence - just enough to dangle a decaying carrot of hope and then to cruelly snatch it away again. Any occasional reply will be calculated carefully. But mostly there will be silent torture.
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The effect of this particular grief and trauma - if timed correctly by the narcissist - will be one of the most painful things the victim has ever had to go through. It is carefully designed to weaken and give the abuser the upper hand.
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As time passes, and at a point when the victim is showing signs of recovery, coming to terms with the relationship being over and beginning to move on with their life, the abuser will suddenly re-emerge.
Now they create a huge public scene about 'forgiving' the victim, whilst pouring out very convincing lines of apology and remorse. They will admit that they totally 'over-reacted' and those around the couple will see how sorry the narcissist is.
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This skilful method of publicly shining the light of blame back onto themselves, gains the narcissist valuable credit for doing so. They will tell everyone how they feel so guilty and that they plan to see a counsellor to help them work through this. They may even have done so already - showing how profusely sorry and committed to this relationship they are.
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TO VICTIMS: There are safer ways to respond to narcissistic rage and anger, than most of us would naturally and understandably respond to such outbursts. These are important and I feel would be best researched from a more worthy source than here, but I have included some helpful links in the information page.
The narcissist will have successfully gained useful respect and power during this latest manipulative, yet award winning performance. This was all part of the long-term plan, and has strengthened their hand ready for stage three. While the victim however, has been heavily weakened.
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These outbursts may pass as quickly as they came, never to be mentioned again. Or rather than anger, they may change tack and deliver some silent and sullen treatment instead. This manipulates the victim to feel guilty or sorry for them; to pity them.
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Stage 3:
Separating the victim from their support network
Slowly and imperceptibly, the relationship will enter new and sinister waters. This is when the narcissist attempts to separate the victim from their close network of friends, family or work colleagues.
I say 'attempts to', because, thankfully, they aren't always successful.
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Also known as the devalue stage, this is when the victim is pushed off that high pedestal which was built by their abuser in stage one. Now they will come crashing back down to earth, painfully and unexpectedly. This process involves a new tactic of emotional abuse and manipulation, designed to leave the victim in no doubt that they are less-than, and not who the abuser thought they were.
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Many abuse tactics are employed in this stage, but remember, they are all still hidden from view, and the victim is unaware of them.
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Lies, or manipulation of facts, leave the victim inaccurately interpreting situations at work or with their family. In addition, they will embellish truths that are beneficial to the narcissist's plan, while at the same time playing down others that are not.
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This is prime time for gaslighting - another powerful technique which makes the victim begin to doubt themselves or their own reality. The abuser will make them believe they did, or didn't do things; that they said something when they didn't, or vice versa. The abuser will apologise for things, only to repeat them again, and will always making it seem like it is somehow the victim's fault.
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Another common tactic is creating an increased and dangerous reliance on the abuser. This could be financial, social, emotional or all three. For example, they may create a false sense of financial security so that the victim can leave that job they hate so very much and rely on the narcissist. Or it could mean convincing their victim that they are the only person in the world who 'gets them', who understands them.
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Perhaps more shocking still, is the fact that these abusive and manipulative tactics are not only reserved for the victim. In order to get to the victim, the abuser will not think twice about using them on children and other family members. This is a psychological battleground and one the narcissist is determined to win.
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Again, as before, any doubts or red flags in the victim's mind will be quickly eliminated and they will continue to be distracted and kept busy, so that they do not have time to stop and think what is happening to them, and therefore, if they agree with it, or not.
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What is actually happening, covertly, is that the victim's own belief system is being eroded. All those good traits, strong held beliefs and important values (that the narcissist sought out in the fishing and grooming stage) are being picked away, one by one. All that is left, then, is self-doubt, confusion, and self-hatred. Self-esteem and confidence have long gone and the result is, of course, that the victim no longer recognises themselves nor has any idea what has happened.
Stage 4: Control, abuse and manipulate
An important turning point
The abuser now has enough control and power over their victim to move up a gear. Remember, others will not be seeing any of this. From the outside no one will see through the veil of deception around the couple, which will have mean that they are not able to see any warning signs.
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Some partners truly believe that they can help the narcissist. Change them, help them, or at least lead them to help. This is a common trait in the type of people that narcissists search for, because it means they are likely to stay around for longer and give the narcissist the attention they crave. People who are co-dependent are especially sought after as the perfect partner for someone with NPD.
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Meanwhile the narcissist uses tactics aimed at protecting that precious ego. At the same time, efforts are made to gain pity, sympathy and adoration - the things that are constantly and so desperately needed. This distorted reality, along with the partner's suffering, remain invisible outside of the relationship, where the narcissist can do no wrong. The need for public admiration at all times, means that they will never risk letting their mask fall in public, but will always be seen to be selfless and true.
Narcissistic behaviour in the home will run hot and cold. Mask on, mask off. They will alternate between flooding their partner in love, and withholding it. Over time, this leads to the partner becoming extremely confused and losing their own sense of what is real and what isn't. They are then even more vulnerable to manipulation and coercion.
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But although the victim may have some degree of awareness of what is happening to them, they have been conditioned to doubt their own sanity - believing that they themselves are somehow to blame for all this because their partner is such a good person. After all, everyone says so, right?
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When asked some months later, many victims recall having a sense of something being wrong at this point, but just not being able to put their finger on it. Therefore, any intuition was quickly dismissed. Remember, by now, the abuser has got the victim doubting their own version of reality.
Coercion will be used, to make the victim do things they would not otherwise do. Initially the narcissist will have valued and respected all their victim's boundaries, but now these lines are slowly but surely being crossed.
At first these moves are imperceptible to the victim, who still feels in control, but the narcissist is testing the waters, so that gradually, more and more boundaries will be crossed. Important boundaries around finances, sex, drugs, behaviour, rules, plans, relationships, friendships - all the very same things that the abuser had previously used to build his victim's trust.
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The partner, on the other hand, is trapped in a downhill spiral, while their own sense of self is slowly destroyed. Eventually, at some point in the relationship, they will no longer be able to trust their own judgement. They will believe that they are the one with the problem, because everyone around the couple adores the narcissist. They will feel to blame for the whole situation. And all this amidst a feeling of shame, self-worthlessness and humiliation.
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The victim is becoming trapped in a dark place. At this point, the mask is off. It isn't needed in the couple's home anymore.
The abuser is spending more and more time neglecting the victim behind closed doors, where, at the same time, other tactics are being employed such as withholding financial support, leaving the victim at home without food, hiding things such as door keys, cutting off transport options or utilities such as electricity or car fuel. But these misdemeanours are always 'by accident'.
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Important: Phone calls, messages, emails and internet use, may be being monitored and even controlled by the abuser.
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Perhaps you can now understand that, even if the victim is aware of their prison and of the abuse that has occurred, it's doubtful that they will expect anyone to believe them. How could they, when they have become so utterly confused themselves. And tragically, those who are finally able to break out from their abuser's dark prison of isolation and nightmare, may then have to face others' lack of belief.
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Stage 5:
Escape, or be discarded. Not necessarily the end...
Abuse can go on like this for years and years. There may be several rounds of narcissistic rage and reunion, or even separation where the victim has left, only to return to their abuser. Sometimes, the abuser senses the smell of failure. And they don't like that. Especially after all the hard work just to get this far. In which case, they will try to reel the victim back in again. Back under their control.
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Tactics that help this process include:
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Bribes:
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"If you stay, I promise to quit my job and find something better. I've put a deposit down on that house you loved so much - we can start afresh there together."
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And threats:
"If you leave, I'll make sure you have nothing. No job, no money, nothing. I will haunt you and make your life not worth living".
There can even be threats to loved ones and pets. Threats to reveal secrets so skilfully obtained at the beginning of the relationship. Financial threats, physical threats and even threats to life.
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Remember, at this point, the victim is but a shell of their former self - they don't know who they are. They are empty and broken, so they don't have any ability or self worth left to think rationally anymore. They are weaker and more vulnerable than ever, to further manipulation and abuse tactics.
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Sometimes, the victim is simply discarded, because they have stopped supplying whatever the narcissist needs. But the abuser won't be polite and fair about the discard and they will have been preparing for that moment for some time, probably even scoping out potential new victims.They may have been hiding money, gaining control of joint bank accounts or utility supplies, and much more.
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Then there are those victims who actually manage to escape. Albeit in a very broken state, mentally and physically. But unfortunately, the abuser still holds more cards to play.
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By leaving their abuser, the victim has unwittingly unleashed the hounds of narcissistic rage and uncovered a side of the abuser they may not yet have seen.
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Abusers don't like being discarded. They don't like their supply being cut off. And sometimes, they cannot let the victim go without trying to destroy them once and for all.
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This can be an extremely dangerous time. Not just for the victim, but also for their family, friends and colleagues. Stalking is common. Violence, threats and hate crimes frequently occur. And the smear campaign to end all smear campaigns will unfold.
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The unremitting abusers have yet more tactics up their sleeve. One of which is the manipulation of mutual friends or family, to make them unwittingly do the abuser's bidding. This is commonly known as 'flying monkeys'. This, is as the name suggests, is just like the film, The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the East uses flying monkeys to do her evil bidding against Dorothy.
What might this look like?
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One way is to persuade a mutual friend - someone the victim trusts - to 'simply' relay messages to the victim on behalf of the abuser. The friend will surely believe in what they are telling the victim, and the victim will already trust this person. Messages such as,
"They are so sorry! They have been so upset since you left and never wanted to hurt you. They have made an urgent appointment with a therapist."
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Or a family member may have 'heard from a friend' or 'seen on Facebook', that the narcissist is devastated.
"They haven't been able to work for weeks. They talk about you all the time and can't believe how they treated you. They almost crashed the car the other day because they was so devastated. They loves you so much!"
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Sadly, some friends and possibly even family will even go to the 'dark side', choosing to believe the narcissist and even side with them. Even those people you would least expect - because they are unaware that they too are being manipulated like little puppets, as part of this insidious game of power and control.
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Then there is the typical smear campaign. This alone can totally devastate lives, careers and reputations. The 'grain of truth tactic' I have mentioned several times already, is useful again now, this time to spread devastating lies about the victim. Social media sites such as Facebook do victims no favours whatsoever in these situations. Sadly, they are a dream tool for narcissistic abusers.
And still, the victim is unlikely to be believed.
At the end of all this, the victim of this covert abuse is utterly broken. They don't know who they are anymore. They are lost, empty, destroyed, depressed, alone, lonely, vulnerable and desperate, and quite possibly in fear for their own or someone else's life.
Post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) and complex post traumatic stress syndrome (cPTSD) are likely outcomes of all this. And so too is a precious life, left shattered in a million pieces.
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This is why victims need someone to listen to them, believe them and support them.
This is what I want everyone around victims to understand.
This is why I made this website so that the victim can begin to recover and rebuild, reframe and repair, with the help and support from those around them who they will rely upon so heavily.
And I want everyone to know that recovery is absolutely possible with the right support and professional help.